You always make me feel this way no matter what.

It is so sickly sweet.

Apathy

I've been accused of this syndrome many times. It's difficult to argue against but, more difficult so, to explain why.

The force of Earth propelling myself towards land. The desperation and intimacy in people I have barely grown to know. The warmth and familiarity with family members. Above all, the unmistakable gaze in a close ones' eyes.

It's true; I see very little meaning in day to day life. That isn't to say that I am ignorant. I know the troubles being had, I know the frustrating injustices that pervade many's lives. Though, as heavy as it is, what does it all mean? What does it amount to? This is incredibly ego-centric but why shouldn't it be? This is my life and it is my duty to realize why exactly I am here.

As long as I can remember, it's been clearly obvious that there is no clear-cut meaning here.

At the age of 26, I look in the mirror and I see exactly what I want to see.

I don't know if he is even listening. I don't even know if he even can listen to me.

We've been driving out on a landscape that is becoming more and more familiar by the hour. And there are many hours to be had.

There's a clarity that comes with being so far away from home. Even within my sister's car, which is a textbook symbol of my anxiety, I feel free in being far away. It's a feeling I shared with my friend in San Diego. The possibility of severing ties, cutting loose of our commitments and harsh realities suddenly possible out here in this unreal landscape.

There are so many things to seel

Dunno

I really want to get out of here.

I want the feelings I received while visiting San Diego - worries so distanced from my conscious that they were of no consequence.

The drive through the pure-black night of Arizona. The utter isolation of New Mexico.

There have been very few times that'd I've felt so content. It's odd because I was under a major amount of stress during both vacations - nothing was in order, everything required rebuilding.

Now, here in Chicago, I'm back again. Learning to what it means to settle down somewhat; receive good vibes, eat healthy, ride a bicycle. Can I do this? Will I ever have the means or motivation?

Motivation. I am near-perpetually confounded by this idea.

I know what I want. I've had moments, unbelievable in that. I've experienced times where I'd extent my arm and touch the wall of a modest apartment just to galvanize the fact that it was a real experience. I've intentionally burned experiences into my brain - mental snapshots. These keep me going but it's impossible to say whether or not these are experiences to thrive for rather than brief glimpses at the meaning of being.

I echo every hippy in saying that I am not content wearing a suit - hell, even business-casual - in the majority of my waking hours. There's more than that; I'm positively sure. I've seen it in landscapes, in peoples' eyes, in peoples' failures. I absolutely refuse to... to dance around in an office. It's common knowledge that life is not fair but since when is it compulsory to live most your life in hazy existential torture?

There has to be a way. There is something that I feel in my bones and, no doubt, realize that most people (especially edgy teenagers) feel this way. Though, I am sure of it. I've seen the look in peoples' eyes. I've heard it over and over in tracks.

There has to be a way to make things work.

-

My half-brother has been contacting me. I don't know what to tell him. Our shared father is at odds. I am genuinely not bitter in his sentiment but I am at complete odds at what to do. I think he is 15 years old. One more until he can drive - one year until things can become discreet.

It's an incredibly blunt realization; that nothing is for granted. I grew up thinking I would have a linear path, that I was in the upper echelon of humanity. This is clearly, obviously untrue. I don't feel entitled or neglected, though. I innately knew that life is a struggle.

Lucky for me, though, I know the rewards. I have vivid recollections of blurred transcendent moments in which everything was perfectly clear. I see it as this: most of your days are spent dealing with things that must be done. People who must be acknowledged. Companies that must be patronized. Forms that must be filled. But, also, I've seen the other side. Undoubtedly the meaning of life. Half waking up at 4 am to embrace your partner in subconsciousness. Driving 80 miles per hour above a5,000 ft high bridge in California. Utter symbiosis; utter love. Knowing that you have done your absolute best in a loved one's time of need.

The meaning of life is clearer than ever.